What Choosing Yourself Actually Looks Like (And Why It's Not Selfish)
There was a moment recently when I sat with myself, like really sat, and realized something uncomfortable: I didn't fully know who I was.
Not in a dramatic, crisis kind of way. More like a quiet, unsettling truth that had been waiting for me to slow down long enough to hear it. I think and overthink. I debate whether the goals I have for myself are really mine, or simply planted by voices I entertained for too long. I've been told who I was for so long that I never stopped to ask what I actually believed about myself.
That realization sent me on a journey. And somewhere along the way, I learned that choosing yourself isn't a luxury. It's survival.
The burnout nobody talks about
Here's the thing about living your life for everyone else: it doesn't look like a breakdown at first. It looks like being dependable. Being the one people call. Being the strong friend, the good daughter, the one who holds it all together.
It looks like saying yes when every part of you meant no. It looks like shrinking your needs so someone else's could fit. It looks like running on empty and calling it strength.
And then one day, sometimes gradually, sometimes all at once… your joy gets snatched. Not by one big thing, but by a thousand small surrenders of yourself that you didn't even notice you were making.
When you constantly live your life for others, burnout isn't a possibility. It's a destination.
I know because I was on that road.
What choosing yourself is NOT
Before we go further, I want to speak directly to the guilt because I know it's there. Especially for women of faith. Especially for mothers, caretakers, leaders, givers.
Choosing yourself is not abandoning your family. It is not selfishness dressed up in self-care language. It is not turning your back on God or the people He placed in your life.
It is not the absence of love for others.
In fact, I'd argue it's the opposite. You cannot pour from empty. You cannot show up fully for the people who need you when you have quietly disappeared from yourself. Choosing yourself is stewardship of the life, the gifts, the energy, and the woman God specifically and intentionally created.
You were not made to be consumed. You were made to be fruitful. And fruitful things need tending.
What choosing yourself actually looks like
It doesn't always look revolutionary. Sometimes it's quiet. Small. Almost unremarkable until you realize how long you went without it.
For me it looked like learning that I don't have to do it all. I can just do a little. Go to a restaurant and actually taste the food instead of rushing through it. Sit in the park and enjoy the atmosphere without my phone. Read a book about love because I enjoy it. That’s it, period. Not rush. Take it all in.
It looked like giving myself permission to not have all the answers yet.
For you, choosing yourself might look like:
Saying no to one thing this week that you would normally say yes to out of obligation
Protecting one hour that belongs entirely to you and not your inbox, not your family, not your to-do list
Asking yourself what you actually enjoy, not what you're supposed to enjoy
Letting a boundary stand even when someone is uncomfortable with it
Resting without attaching guilt to it
None of these are grand gestures. But they are acts of reclamation. And reclamation is how you find your way back to yourself.
You're allowed to not have it all figured out
Here's where I have to be honest with you: I don't have a pretty ending to offer yet. I'm still in it. Still learning who Felicia is outside of what she produces, who she serves, and what she's accomplished.
And I'm finding that's okay.
You don't have to have yourself figured out before you start choosing yourself. You just have to be willing to find out. Figure it out. Go. Discover. Live. Even if it’s a little bit at a time. One step further than before.
Keep going. Keep fighting. Keep living. Keep finding what makes you smile. It doesn't matter if you don't know what that is yet. The not-knowing is part of the journey, not proof that you're lost.
Today, it’s ok to choose you because the beauty of you is just on the other side.
If this resonated with you, I write about healing, identity, and learning to live fully every week in my newsletter From the Heart. Join the Rewritten Hearts community and get reflections like this one straight to your inbox.